Saturday, September 30, 2017

Just a typical Saturday

Hotcakes at McDonalds
Outside chores
(Yes they are wearing winter hats, and No its not that cold :)
Cobweb sweeping and rock picking were the list for today

Coffee sipping, car wiping and vacuuming were are afternoon tasks

Then popcorn and movies snuggles to end the day
Feeling blessed for these littles and the joy they bring to my Momma heart. It was a great day!

Friday, September 29, 2017

Friday Night Football

It was the perfect fall weather to watch Madison perform in the half time show at the football game.

Well done Moopers- we are so proud of you and the band.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

I want to be Warrior

I am sorry for my absence from writing and only cracking the window into my life in remission. 

To say I have been struggling would be an understatement. 
And while there has been some relief of the physical symptoms there are days where I feel the Chemo symptoms without receiving an infusion.  :( 

I have fallen into the trench of feeling and acting like a victim instead of a survivor. 
Wanting to be brave but not being able to

Pushing too hard too fast too often and my body is screaming in protest

I've lost my confidence and the assurance that I know what I feel and I know what is going on

I'm frustrated that I still seem to be suffering from several symptoms that I assumed would be gone by this point. I assume they would be gone because that would be the "normal". 
And I crave the return of normal.

This past Monday marked the first milestone in the journey to healing- my first check up since achieving Remission. 

Unprepared… That’s how I felt as I approached the hospital, the weight of the anxiety getting heavier and heavier as I approached 
first- valet parking, then the stairs and finally the doctors office 
I was immediately overwhelmed by the smells of the hospital and it felt like was falling headfirst into the trench of uncertainty and fear ... This place is a place of healing but also a place of life changing moments

Everything was a reminder of the journey thus far- hand soap that immediately brings a wave of nausea, needle pricks and blood viles that hold “future” possibilities. 

And just like on infusion days, this appointment required time to process, time to rest, time to celebrate the bravery that was required to slay the dragons of uncertainty and fear and time to focus on the Joy of the journey. 

Overall, the appointment went well. 
My cancer is still showing signs of Remission and for that we are immensely grateful. 
My bloodwork did trigger a few flags (my glucose was much higher then previously and my white blood cells were lower) which will be monitored closely. There is a bit of concern but no action required at this time. 
In the famous words of Dr. Azar- we are not there yet. 

I will return December 11th for another panel of bloodwork and physical exam and will continue this pattern of visiting the Cancer Center every 3 months for the next 2 years. 

At this appointment I also met my survivor nurse who is assigned as part of my team to monitor and assist with my care while in Remission. 

Again I was tremendously blessed by the compassion, concern, and understanding of this sweet nurse and relieved to have her on my team- cheering me on and lifting me up. 

While the physical symptoms sometimes seem the worst challenge to handle (hopefully the new vitamins and meds will bring some relief) it is often the mental and emotional hurdles that bring me the farthest down. 

I don’t want to be a survivor… Surviving is hard!
I want to be a warrior. 
I want to face the challenges of the journey with bravery, not fear. 
I want to have a battle plan, not rely on survival techniques.
I want to focus on healing, not on my wounds or battle scars. 

And some times I don't do this so well. 
Sometimes I am surviving (and it feels like barely). 
Sometimes the valley still feels so deep and unending 
Sometimes I forget how far we have already traveled and can only see how far we have left to go.

Your continued prayers, encouragement, and support are still greatly needed and appreciated. 

Remission does not mean the end of the journey but the beginning of the next leg. 

There is not set amount of time, No predictable norm on this leg of the journey
Just taking one day at a time 

So with my coffee in hand, my eyes lifted up and my heart focused on JOY I face today as a Warrior and I hope you will join me. 

Monday, September 18, 2017

Just a normal Monday

Big bed snuggles

 and Car rides to the bus stop

Monday, September 11, 2017

Weekend Shenanigans

Friday night Football (who am I kidding- I am here for the band)

It was Madison's first performance in uniform for the season.
There is nothing as terrifying for this Momma then watching 275 "identical" students marching around the field.

Madison is in the first row of Marchers (behind the pit- standing) 4th from the left for the opening. I lose her in the beginning of Part 2 but am told that I will easily be able to find her when they perform part 3 :)
She loves what she does and we are so excited to watch her soar.
They will perform in their first competition this weekend in Canton, Ohio. She is really excited.

 Saturday birthday parties
Don't they look thrilled 😉
But they actually really enjoyed themselves.
 Sunday Slushies

This Momma is really struggling with her Moopers growing up- 15, learning to drive, a sophomore.
I often get teary just thinking about how quickly the next few years will fly by.
There are days her teenage-ness drives this Momma a bit nutty. Times when I wonder if she really gets it. When the hint of selfishness creeps into our home.
And then moments like this... a text telling me she brought me a frozen coke because she loves me
When she asks to take a slushie selfie and can we cuddle on the couch that my heart nearly explodes for this amazing blessing of a daughter.
And I remember that tomorrow isn't here yet, there is still time and I know exactly how I want to spend it.
Loving my Sparkles :)

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Sew Thankful

One of the things I missed while going through chemo was the time to sew and create.
And while I am no where close to where I was prior to treatment and everything takes significantly longer then it did previously- I am thankful to the blessing of sewing in my life.

I started with a project I began a year ago...
Happy Fall Y'all

 I had a few extras... guess I got a little pumpkin excited :)

I also strapped on my Bravery and signed up for a sewing class.
My wingman for the evening was a dear friend who also sews.

We tackled learning ZIPPERS :)

Getting started....
There were moments of joy and moments of complete frustration.
Moments of clarity and moments of utter confusion

In the end, my project looked as expected, I gained a skill (hopefully) and I learned a valuable lesson.

I learned that its good to try new things, its good to have an idea in mind but success (in this case finishing the project) does not mean a milestone is crossed off the list.
Going to a sewing class does not mean I am ready to do full time sewing.
Going to one class does not mean I am ready to take another
One evening of bravery does not mean strapping on the badge of bravery in all situations and circumstances
I learned that I am still on the road to progress that my limitations are still greater then my accomplishments.
I learned that its always wise to try but even wiser to accept the lessons learned.

And I am reminded, normal will return and there is much to look forward to in the future.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Labor Day

A blessed 3 day weekend to spend together as a family.

Our adventures might be ordinary but everything is better together.

Madi is a great Big Sister... giving the littles piggy back rides around the park trails

 The Sparkles laughing and telling stories together.
I love watching the world through their eyes
 Ice Cream from our favorite ice cream shop... Danny's Mexican Ice Cream
 Even a trip to Lowes isnt so bad when we go together...
Might Daddy pushing the sparkles around :)
Our weekend was filled with a little bit or work, a little bit of play and a whole lot of together time.