This past Thursday I returned to the hospital (on a non-chemo week) for my breathing test and a CT scan. I knew from my first meeting with my doctor that this check point would come and its purpose is to see the effect the chemotherapy is having on the cancer and to evaluate if minor adjustments need to be made immediately, as well as, to begin to plan the next steps.
Obviously the big fear is that the chemotherapy has not shrunk the cancer and worse that the disease has spread. Some might ask (and have) the stats for these scenarios but in reality the numbers don't matter to me- It is what is and until we know and we wait in anticipation.
As the fear and anticipation build, I feel as if I have been trying to out run my illness... pushing too hard, doing too much, striving for a normal of the past that is not reasonable or feasible for the present.
I have battled the demons that remind me of my symptoms that began my journey that are ever present and or returning.
I have smiled when I have wanted to cry,
Snapped when I should have been kind
and Pushed when I should have rested.
Fear creeps around every corner and is quick to try to steal my joy.
While I can rejoice that I have reached this stage in my journey to healing, I would be lying if I did not acknowledge that I am weary to continue and fear the end is not as close as it seems.
As I prepare for another infusion (#8) the normal list of things to do is sitting beside me waiting to be completed and to be honest I am struggling to even look at the list let alone begin or even try to complete it. I am more aware of the obstacles that are common to my life now and how they create barriers to complete tasks.
Everything is harder and takes longer.
I am battling the pressures of my own expectations
I am wrestling with my emotions desperately trying to stay grounded in Truth
I cling to the hope that no news is good news and keep taking the next right step.
And I rest in the blessings and joy that faithfully appear