Time to Pause...

I noticed in the early days of my diagnosis that there was a common theme of cancer blogs trickling off mid treatment. I was quick to assume that when the going got tough often corresponded a drop in updates and posts. Mid treatment is when the pictures are less flattering, when the side effects are no longer easy to hide and the reality sets. I don't blame them for not wanting to sharing those parts yet I felt a stirring in my heart I committed in those moments to pray for those on this journey and that I would be press on- maintaining my promise to share the good, the bad and the ugly of this journey and write authentic posts even when it was hard.

But that was an easy promise to make in those early days and I was too naive to understand the Bigger picture or the other side of the coin.

In those early days I tired quickly but I also rallied
My mind was cloudy but there were clear days
I often laughed and sometimes cried
And it was easy to seek Joy when the moments got tough.

But the early days are gone, and half way is past, and as I crest toward 75% treatment completion I must admit that I am struggling.

I am still quick to tire but even slower to rally
My limitations are daily not weekly
My mind is perpetually cloudy
I cry more then I laugh
and Fear and Anxiety lurk just around every the corner

I am deeply entrenched in the "chemo trough" as my correspondent doctor from afar so eloquently phrased it. And in the darkness of the trough its easy to feel the I Can't and the No More. Its easy to feel the pressure to continue what I have or think I should be doing at this point. Its discouraging to admit that the closer to healing the more that is taken away. Even if for only a season, the season feels  long.

As I have battled the reality and the changes I need to make, I have cried over the loss of more and the loneliness of the journey and for a moment believe that no one could understand

But leave it to Hallmark and my ever growing and loving circle of support to know what I need to hear:



I have read these words over and over this week
I have prayed and cried and maybe even begged a little
and then I have rested... and accepted... and Leaned In to this next step.

And let me say, its really hard.
Its hard to let go of more.
Its hard to break habits (especially good ones).
Its hard to not do what I have always done
Its hard to not make lists or cross things off
Its hard to say No to good things
Its hard to choose and prioritize
Its hard to have limits
and its really hard to have cancer.

So my dear friends, please know that my silence does not mean I am not fighting or that bad news has come. My silence does not mean that I don't need you or that I don't read your messages, cards, emails and text.
My silence is only a reflection of my weariness and that all of my energy is being spent to heal and to love my husband and Sparkles.

Please keep praying, keep encouraging, keep holding me up.
Stand in the Gap for me in the moments that I can't stand for myself.

I love you all :)