A stop at Starbucks (though I did upgrade to a large :)
Another stop, this time for a hotdog (I wanted a corn dog) after Rob realized that I had not eaten breakfast and chemo on an empty stomach is a No Go.
Then checking into the hospital, bloodwork, and a doctors appointment. This was my first time seeing Dr. Azar since my CT scan and my first chance to discuss with him the results and next steps.
I will pause here to thank everyone for being patient with me in this update and for not pushing or pressing for news.
I have lived under the umbrella of "no news is good news" for some time and the brief email I received just before chemo #8 (CT looks like a good response. Continue same dose and plan) was enough for me until I would see my doctor 2 weeks later. I knew that this short and simple response would not be enough for many others (either they would celebrate that its Good news or they would ask questions that I would not have responses for) so I chose to not share the "hint" of what I may or may not know.
As many of you have also read in Rob's update (I will repost if you have not) Dr. Azar is pleased with the progress I have made and all signs are pointing toward 12 chemo being sufficient.
For some I realize you want me to be elated or excited about this this news and though I am thankful for the progress report that is all it is for me right now. From my initial meeting I knew that my treatment plan included 12 infusions, a progress CT scan and a final pet scan at the end to determine if additional treatment would be required. This is what I signed up for and although good reports along the way are promises for the future they are not "get out of jail free cards" or move ahead to the next step.
I still have to complete the final infusions. I still have to endure the side effects and discomfort. And dear friends, its not easy. I know what to expect (or at least a good guess) and its hard to choose. I would rather go to Target or wander around the zoo (both I ask to do as we drive to the hospital and so far have yet to deter my driver ;)
A heavy sense of fear has been lingering on the outskirts throughout this journey and the first set of good news brought the Fear even closer.
Fear that remission is an actual reality and close
Fear that my cancer will and can come back
Fear that I won't have the strength or endurance to fight again (or to finish the fight I am in)
Fear of things I have thought of and the things I haven't
For me this set of "good news" sent me spiraling. I felt exposed and anticipated the plethora of questions that I didn't have the energy to answer. It was all too much in one day (along with a lot of other things) and what I needed most was to rest. I needed a bit of time to get all the pieces together, to wrap my mind around this update and then to share the news in a way that allowed everyone to see the same Big Picture.
As I have explained to my middle Sparkle, my journey is like the game of Candy Land.
The goal is to reach King Candy. There are check points along the way (Gumdrop, and Grandma Brittle i.e. CT scans and breathing test) and the most beloved Queen Frostine. There are set backs (lose a turn i.e. delays in infusions or other hurdles to cross) and unexpected detours (like getting Plumpy when you nearly are at the top i.e. infections, hospital stays etc) but the no matter what the goal is the same. I have been blessed that when the "rules" of the game were explained in December that my game has not changed... I have had not set backs or delays in my infusions, I have followed the treatment plan as proposed and all things point to reaching the end in victory.
But I can't celebrate yet... we are not there yet.
So celebrate the good news with me, we are right on track.
Send up prayers of thanksgiving and praise for how far we have come
We are right where we are supposed to be.
