And as much as I try to to be authentic and real on this blog I have found that on the hard days I often do not write thus leaving out a whole section of the journey.
So this time, I am sharing the unfiltered chemo recap....
This is how the morning started- tears, many many tears.
Tears for the unfairness of this journey. Tears for feeling awful, Tears (and a bit of begging) to not go. Tears that its another step but not the end.
But tears or no tears, eventually it was time to leave and off we went.
And just like a child, I can often be distracted (and bribed).
Starbucks has been a comfort and something that makes me smile - it gives my day something normal and gives me the extra courage to press on.
When I first check in at the hospital, a nurse takes me back to access my port. Even with pain killer over the port, it is still a sharp stabbing pain and a reminder of what the day holds. Today, I also had an appointment with my doctor and am taken to a waiting room where we... wait... and wait... This time, we spoke with an intern first before the doctor came in. We discuss the progress, talk about some of on going issues (random bruising on my skin that might not go away, pain in my hands and feet that isn't usually expected until cycle 4 or 5, if medication is helping with constipation, the horrible metallic taste in my mouth, appetite and nausea that just never seems to go away...) then he confirms that things are going to plan. We then asked about alternative medication for the nausea and he agreed to give me a prescription for this. Eventually, following the lengthy doctor appointment and blood work, we head over to the infusion area and get settled into a room (this is my 3rd treatment in this same room).
Having tried the recliner in the common area, a bed in a private room, and a recliner in a private room, the best combination is definitely the recliner in the room. I get tucked in with my warm blanket (I will end up with 4 by the end of my infusion) and of course my matching socks to my hoodie (Its the little things that keep the smile on my face :).
Then, I get hooked up... First is a saline drip that everything mixes with. Then, the nurse starts me on a cocktail of nausea medication. For this trip, we were brought some food for lunch as we have found that receiving chemo on an empty belly causes me to feel really sick by the end of the treatment. This is actually a challenging process as the food has to be timed just right because Rob makes me start chewing ice 10 minutes before the first chemo medication... and he makes me keep chewing the ice the during the course of the first medication (the red devil) and the second medication and then for as long as I can stand afterward, which is about another 5 minutes. In total, I'm chewing ice for 40 - 50 minutes. The chemo causes this nasty copper penny metal taste in my mouth and the cold ice makes this worse... and it makes me become really cold and uncomfortable. I hate this part because I get cold and fight to not shiver the whole time. I can't get warm again and can't get rid of the nasty taste. I'll often fight Rob during this time, even though I know it's for the best. If I don't keep my mouth cold, these first two chemos will cause my mouth to break out in ulcers that line either side of my tongue and my cheeks. the final two chemo drugs pass without much issue
6 hours after arriving at the hospital, it is time to leave. As I shuffle along and try to catch my breath, we stop in at the cancer gift shop and look at scarves or hats that I can use to cover my head... unfortunately, even the cute hats hurt too much to wear... eventually, discussion turns to what treat I would like for finishing this treatment (and being 42% finished). The last two infusions I have asked for ice cream (last time, I fell asleep before we could stop!) but this time all I could think about was a certain cupcake from a specific bakery- only a slight detour on our way home.
I get home and get out of the hospital clothes to settle comfortably to rest and indulge in a sugar coma. The best part about this cup cake is that the taste stays in my mouth for a long time and I don't really taste the nasty penny for a brief while.
The rest of the day and evening passes in a bit of a blur... Lots of napping... (in bed for a change, my recliner had broken and was flipped upside down while Rob fixed it)
Back in the recliner and watching game shows...
...lots of meds to try to stay on top of my pain and nausea... including trying the new one... tonight dinner surprisingly tasted good. We still don't know if this new medicine will work, but getting to eat a meal that doesn't taste like metal is a big deal.
Later that night, Rob came up and with a surprise for me... after a quick search for a comfortable place to sit and... I got to watch Fixer Upper before bed time.
While the day may have started with tears, it ended with some joy
- the kindness of a brother in law to be able to watch my favorite show
- having an appetite
- many seats and places to lay in comfort
- satisfaction that another infusion is done and the healing continues
Its not always easy, but I choose joy.
