This Is Me

It has been a while since I’ve posted an update on the blog.  

My silence has been a reaction to my struggle to continue to walk this journey. 

I am weary and tired of carrying the load of this disease. 

Along the chemo journey I often said- Its a good day for a good day 

and once was asked if that meant it was a good day or if I was trying to gain perspective.

And the answer is BOTH and its still true a year later.

My mantra through my diagnosis and treatments was Choose Joy and in those moments where I was trying to gain perspective it was towards Gratitude and Joy that I looked. 

But at this stage of my journey I am struggling to find perspective and JOY

I am angry that this disease continues to wreak havoc in my life. 

I am resentful of the things that were stolen from me

I am fearful that I will always be plagued by destruction of the disease and treatment

I am sad that JOY is not as easily chosen

Last year I was fighting for my life and now I am fighting to regain my life. 

Last year I was completely bald and too sick to do anything more then rest and prepare for the next infusion. I looked sick. 

This year, my hair is growing back, I have spurts of energy, and my focus is shifted to regaining strength and quality of life. And the sickness hues that plagued by complexion have receded. 

To the outside observer it seems that these visible differences give the illusion of greater strides in recovery then is my reality. 

My battle is no longer against cancer but for life. 
There are moments that I feel that I am fighting for EVERYTHING
The ability to follow a conversation, complete a simple task, do more then one task in a day or set time, to love my Sparkles well, to care for them and our home, and the list goes on. 

Because it seems that with remission comes the dump of expectations. 
That with strength comes the burden to do more 
That if I can do one thing surely I can do another 
And that a smile means everything is fine 

Cancer is a journey and remission is not a destination. 
Remission is like a station where I got off the cancer train and got on the remission bus. 

Some of the baggage that I  had on the train got put on the bus.  Baggage such as sudden exhaustion, fatigue, and emotional fragility.  Then there are asthma and other breathing issues and possible damage from the chemotherapy drugs.  

And, of course, neuropathy.  

My carry-on is what I fondly call “Dory Brain.”  🐟

If you have ever seen the movie Finding Nemo, then you have a pretty good idea what that can be like.  

It’s been 16 plus months since my diagnosis, 14 months since I began treatment, 9 months since chemotherapy was competed, and 8 months since I received the long anticipated news of remission.

and there is a long way to go. 

While cancer doesn’t dominate our lives like it used to, for me its still the silent beast that controls my life. 

And in the those moments when the beast rears it ugliness and discouragement is high I am reminded... 

I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
                            -This is Me, Greatest Showman

and Me is going ride the remission bus 
Choosing Joy 
Living Brave 
and Reaching Out