Lego Wookie

Favorite Pajamas
Favorite Toy (Legos)
Favorite Interest (Star Wars)

Life doesn't get much better then this

Spring Break

Its certainly not been a typical Spring here in Indiana with temperatures varying by 20 degrees and the weather alternating between sunshine and snow but it didn't stop us from having a great two weeks off from school.

Snuggled up reading and playing their favorite games

 Hiding in our favorite spots

 Shopping for spring clothes and Easter outfits (I love watching them express their individual styles)

 Snowed in one Saturday.... I love the irony of the blue pool and the foot of snow

 Robotics competitions

 And crazy playdates with friends

I love the days with my Sparkles and am thankful to have the time to to build memories with them :)

Unexpected Road Block

At my recent check up  I heard the words that are always just under the surface.... I think we need another scan. 

Based on my labs, exam and current examination of my symptoms there were too many red flags to ignore. 

I left the appointment walking in a daze. 
And as I drove home reality started to sink in and and 
Fear came first. 

In the words of my favorite movie (Italian Job) 
I was FINE... Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional
And that was the answer I gave when I got home. 
I was fine. 
That was the answer that I gave when asked about the appointment 
It was fine 
and so on went my response in the coming days. 

And though I meant my words to be assuring 
panic started to ripple around me.
I am sorry that what I was not saying was fueling your fears. 

Fine was the simplest answer to give with so much unknown. 
Fine was Truthful without details
Fine was the best I could do and still function

But the real enemy was fear.... 

Fear of the known or the possible 
Fear of answers or lack there of
Fear of defeat 

And so we wait for the scan, the results and the necessary steps to continue on this journey . 

This is only a roadblock, its not a destination. 

8 month check up

Can you believe it... 8 months post remission :)

Surprise surprise, I have coffee 

Armed and Ready

Here I come 

Just a Winter Weekend

Madison helping with the Robot for Robotics at their first competiton of the season at Penn High School.

 The littles learning to play Momma's nintendo

 McDonalds snuggles while we wait for lunch

A great weekend spent together.
This Momma's heart is full

This Is Me

It has been a while since I’ve posted an update on the blog.  

My silence has been a reaction to my struggle to continue to walk this journey. 

I am weary and tired of carrying the load of this disease. 

Along the chemo journey I often said- Its a good day for a good day 

and once was asked if that meant it was a good day or if I was trying to gain perspective.

And the answer is BOTH and its still true a year later.

My mantra through my diagnosis and treatments was Choose Joy and in those moments where I was trying to gain perspective it was towards Gratitude and Joy that I looked. 

But at this stage of my journey I am struggling to find perspective and JOY

I am angry that this disease continues to wreak havoc in my life. 

I am resentful of the things that were stolen from me

I am fearful that I will always be plagued by destruction of the disease and treatment

I am sad that JOY is not as easily chosen

Last year I was fighting for my life and now I am fighting to regain my life. 

Last year I was completely bald and too sick to do anything more then rest and prepare for the next infusion. I looked sick. 

This year, my hair is growing back, I have spurts of energy, and my focus is shifted to regaining strength and quality of life. And the sickness hues that plagued by complexion have receded. 

To the outside observer it seems that these visible differences give the illusion of greater strides in recovery then is my reality. 

My battle is no longer against cancer but for life. 
There are moments that I feel that I am fighting for EVERYTHING
The ability to follow a conversation, complete a simple task, do more then one task in a day or set time, to love my Sparkles well, to care for them and our home, and the list goes on. 

Because it seems that with remission comes the dump of expectations. 
That with strength comes the burden to do more 
That if I can do one thing surely I can do another 
And that a smile means everything is fine 

Cancer is a journey and remission is not a destination. 
Remission is like a station where I got off the cancer train and got on the remission bus. 

Some of the baggage that I  had on the train got put on the bus.  Baggage such as sudden exhaustion, fatigue, and emotional fragility.  Then there are asthma and other breathing issues and possible damage from the chemotherapy drugs.  

And, of course, neuropathy.  

My carry-on is what I fondly call “Dory Brain.”  🐟

If you have ever seen the movie Finding Nemo, then you have a pretty good idea what that can be like.  

It’s been 16 plus months since my diagnosis, 14 months since I began treatment, 9 months since chemotherapy was competed, and 8 months since I received the long anticipated news of remission.

and there is a long way to go. 

While cancer doesn’t dominate our lives like it used to, for me its still the silent beast that controls my life. 

And in the those moments when the beast rears it ugliness and discouragement is high I am reminded... 

I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
                            -This is Me, Greatest Showman

and Me is going ride the remission bus 
Choosing Joy 
Living Brave 
and Reaching Out