Unlike chemo, there is no end date.
No count down.
Days and weeks run together making it impossible to see progress.
I entered into the world of remission believing I could begin to be normal again only to discover that normal as it used to be is unattainable.
The smallest things which I previously did automatically now take so much longer.- both in time and in effort.
I struggle to process things and easily become exhausted and overwhelmed.
The simplest of tasks or responsibilities are a heavy weight for me to carry.
Without the scarves, the bald head, the steroid puffiness, and the lingering look of illness, people see the return of the person they knew and they think I am the same.
But I am not.
I can't be who I used to be
I can't give or do any more, what I am already doing is far too much.
With remission comes the reality check of the damage caused from the chemotherapy.
Because while the chemo did its number one job (to kill the cancer) it also had a few side hustles.
My diet now has to be dairy and gluten free
I have to carry an inhaler with me to treat asthma that I didn't have before
I am working with additional teams of doctors, specialists and therapists as we begin to explore quality of life post chemo.
And I must embrace the nerve damage that causes difficulties in my daily routine and tasks that I wish to complete.
Normal is now defined as being able to participate in all of my activity of daily living without thinking about my health
And I am not there yet.
I am struggling to Choose Joy and to Live Brave
I am seeking hope yet often feeling hopeless.
I can’t hope for what is lost or what other people/mommas my age can and do have
I can’t hope for relief or it to get better
I can't yet hope for the future, its too far out of reach
But I can hope for
Joy filled moments today
Moments of relief
A better day today then yesterday
And I can continue to remind myself:
