And as I gain health and strength so have I also gained the desire and pride to do things myself
“I do it myself” has been a mantra from my early childhood that I have carried with me often as a badge of honor
But in this season of life I have allowed it to cause more harm then good and to rob me of JOY
Where I have pushed too hard, too soon, and too much
Where I have striven when I should have rested
Where I have needed to distance myself as quickly as I can from the not so recent past for fear it will catch me again.
Because the pressure I have felt from others to be better and further is really fueled from within
Because I need to be healthy and symptom free and not a cancer patient
Because I need a symptom to not be a death potential
Because a year of diagnosis and a year of treatment have left me in a tales spin bracing for the next unexpected or unexplainable thing
I live in a reality where anxiety Lurks so close to surface I wonder how I am able to function and question if I even am
Because the things that aren’t being said are the things that need said the most
I am not as ok as you assume or think I might be
I don’t know what I am doing or how to do it
In my fear I have "turtled" sinking into my shell and isolating myself to turtle island where I feel some semblance of control
But in isolating myself I have loaded on more baggage then I can carry, more pressure to conquer, and more expectations.
The feeling of hope is masked by the never ceasing feeling of Hurt
Hurting from physical pain
Hurting from loss of norm and familiar.
Hurting from the weight of carrying this diagnosis and its effects
But I am learning to hurt with hope.
And to do this, I realize I still need and rely on the support that so graciously has carried me along this journey
Ones to hope when I can’t
Ones to distract
Ones to love
Ones to encourage
Ones to listen without fixes
and Ones that understand (even if you don't)
Because we aren't meant to do this alone.
Thanks for being "The Ones"
