It has been 5 months since my cancer was declared in remission.
So armed and ready I headed to the cancer center for my appointment.
I chose to go on my own... returning to the hospital is physically and emotionally exhausting. There is a lot of waiting and I needed the time on my own to gather my thoughts and questions before seeing my doctor.
I am struggling and I realize that part of the struggle is self imposed.
I viewed remission as a destination.
Throughout the challenges of chemo I kept my eyes on the prize.
I could face the infusions knowing that I was one step closer to finish.
With each new side effect and symptom I knew that relief was not too far out of reach.
But the infusions finished, and my scans are clear and the symptoms linger (with the introduction or awareness of new symptoms).
I feel like I have fallen into a new trench, just as I had climbed out of the previous one.
But unlike before, my journey is less visible.
Others do not see what I know and feel
I realize that is part my fault for not being open and part the the reality of the unknownness of this leg of the journey.
I am left with the imprints this disease has left on my life- both body and mind.
There are times I am crushed by anxiety and fear, desperate to find control in a situation that is uncontrollable.
I am highly alert to where I was only a year ago and how possible it could be to be right back at the start line. (Sometimes wishing to go back as it is familiar and controlled)
I live in a fog that keeps me from staying on task, struggling to engage fully in what I am doing and trying to remember even the most basic of things proves to be challenging
I find myself guarded to open up and reach out, instead choosing "turtling" inward part out of fear and part out of survival.
I am wandering around in the realm of "I don't know what I don't know" and that is an unsettling place to be.
And when I do "know" I am easily overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated and lately just a little bit pissed.
While my hair is growing back and my cheeks are gaining color I am not "me" yet. I look in the mirror and I can only see the "damage" and the long road ahead. I see the physical reminders of the last year and what will forever be changed and I am saddened and discouraged that I am right where I am.
Because I feel like I should be past this point that I should further along this road-
I shouldn't feel the same way as I did during infusions because infusions are done,
I shouldn't need a wheel chair now because I didn't use one then,
I should be getting stronger instead of feeling weak.
I should, I should, I should...
But I can't. I just can't.
To see it in print, to put it out there is both freeing and frightening.
And I realize that I have a choice.
For the last year, my focus has been on healing.
Fighting the disease and conquering with Joy the path before me.
And now my focus needs to shift to RECOVER....
Because to recover means: return to a normal state of health, mind, and strength.
Unlike the path to healing, the road to recovery is an undetermined amount of time and very individualized.
There is nothing I can do but to live each day and to accept that this is where I am regardless of where I want or wish to be and its really hard.
So I keep choosing Joy
I am deciding to Live Brave
I give myself permission to feel the fear but to do it anyway
and I will focus on the blessings and the many things to be thankful for.
Thanks for sharing the journey and for being among the list of blessings
So armed and ready I headed to the cancer center for my appointment.
I chose to go on my own... returning to the hospital is physically and emotionally exhausting. There is a lot of waiting and I needed the time on my own to gather my thoughts and questions before seeing my doctor.
I am struggling and I realize that part of the struggle is self imposed.
I viewed remission as a destination.
Throughout the challenges of chemo I kept my eyes on the prize.
I could face the infusions knowing that I was one step closer to finish.
With each new side effect and symptom I knew that relief was not too far out of reach.
But the infusions finished, and my scans are clear and the symptoms linger (with the introduction or awareness of new symptoms).
I feel like I have fallen into a new trench, just as I had climbed out of the previous one.
But unlike before, my journey is less visible.
Others do not see what I know and feel
I realize that is part my fault for not being open and part the the reality of the unknownness of this leg of the journey.
I am left with the imprints this disease has left on my life- both body and mind.
There are times I am crushed by anxiety and fear, desperate to find control in a situation that is uncontrollable.
I am highly alert to where I was only a year ago and how possible it could be to be right back at the start line. (Sometimes wishing to go back as it is familiar and controlled)
I live in a fog that keeps me from staying on task, struggling to engage fully in what I am doing and trying to remember even the most basic of things proves to be challenging
I find myself guarded to open up and reach out, instead choosing "turtling" inward part out of fear and part out of survival.
I am wandering around in the realm of "I don't know what I don't know" and that is an unsettling place to be.
And when I do "know" I am easily overwhelmed, discouraged, frustrated and lately just a little bit pissed.
While my hair is growing back and my cheeks are gaining color I am not "me" yet. I look in the mirror and I can only see the "damage" and the long road ahead. I see the physical reminders of the last year and what will forever be changed and I am saddened and discouraged that I am right where I am.
Because I feel like I should be past this point that I should further along this road-
I shouldn't feel the same way as I did during infusions because infusions are done,
I shouldn't need a wheel chair now because I didn't use one then,
I should be getting stronger instead of feeling weak.
I should, I should, I should...
But I can't. I just can't.
To see it in print, to put it out there is both freeing and frightening.
And I realize that I have a choice.
For the last year, my focus has been on healing.
Fighting the disease and conquering with Joy the path before me.
And now my focus needs to shift to RECOVER....
Because to recover means: return to a normal state of health, mind, and strength.
Unlike the path to healing, the road to recovery is an undetermined amount of time and very individualized.
There is nothing I can do but to live each day and to accept that this is where I am regardless of where I want or wish to be and its really hard.
So I keep choosing Joy
I am deciding to Live Brave
I give myself permission to feel the fear but to do it anyway
and I will focus on the blessings and the many things to be thankful for.
Thanks for sharing the journey and for being among the list of blessings
