Today marks 1 year since my diagnosis.
It was originally a day I thought I wanted to mark with celebration- time with friends and joy filled memories.
But I am just not ready yet to celebrate.
I spent this day a year ago tucked into my turtle shell quietly processing the journey ahead
I slunk away from loved ones and curled inward to prepare to face outward the impending journey.
A year later, no matter my brave intentions, I am slinking back into my shell to quietly reflect on where I was a year ago and the journey that is still ahead.
Remission is its own journey with knowns and unknowns and unlike treatment, there is no "normal" or set series of milestones. Much of the information is based on how I feel and often is difficult for me to articulate.
I am easily overwhelmed and often feel short circuited.
Sounds are amplified, multiple noises (crowds) are hard to filter.
I grasp to hang onto concentration and often feel as if I heard nothing.
There are times that I am overstimulated by anything more then silence and even times when silence is too much to process.
To others this may look like I am short tempered, frazzled, stressed and easily overwhelmed- which may be true but there is so much more to it.
And I am discouraged that there is still so much out of my control and so much unpredictability.
There are days when the only visible growth is my hair (in all it’s beautiful curliness) and progress is sometimes unrecognizable
Days when I feel stuck on a long narrow road... the past not that far behind and the future still too distant and uncertain to be hopeful.
I am not ready to celebrate...
but I am ready to embrace this milestone-
a day that changed the course of my life
a day I chose Joy
May you you also choose joy in your journeys
