I am sorry for my absence from writing and only cracking the window into my life in remission.
To say I have been struggling would be an understatement.
And while there has been some relief of the physical symptoms there are days where I feel the Chemo symptoms without receiving an infusion. :(
I have fallen into the trench of feeling and acting like a victim instead of a survivor.
Wanting to be brave but not being able to
Pushing too hard too fast too often and my body is screaming in protest
I've lost my confidence and the assurance that I know what I feel and I know what is going on
I'm frustrated that I still seem to be suffering from several symptoms that I assumed would be gone by this point. I assume they would be gone because that would be the "normal".
And I crave the return of normal.
This past Monday marked the first milestone in the journey to healing- my first check up since achieving Remission.
Unprepared… That’s how I felt as I approached the hospital, the weight of the anxiety getting heavier and heavier as I approached
first- valet parking, then the stairs and finally the doctors office
I was immediately overwhelmed by the smells of the hospital and it felt like was falling headfirst into the trench of uncertainty and fear ... This place is a place of healing but also a place of life changing moments
Everything was a reminder of the journey thus far- hand soap that immediately brings a wave of nausea, needle pricks and blood viles that hold “future” possibilities.
And just like on infusion days, this appointment required time to process, time to rest, time to celebrate the bravery that was required to slay the dragons of uncertainty and fear and time to focus on the Joy of the journey.
Overall, the appointment went well.
My cancer is still showing signs of Remission and for that we are immensely grateful.
My bloodwork did trigger a few flags (my glucose was much higher then previously and my white blood cells were lower) which will be monitored closely. There is a bit of concern but no action required at this time.
In the famous words of Dr. Azar- we are not there yet.
I will return December 11th for another panel of bloodwork and physical exam and will continue this pattern of visiting the Cancer Center every 3 months for the next 2 years.
At this appointment I also met my survivor nurse who is assigned as part of my team to monitor and assist with my care while in Remission.
Again I was tremendously blessed by the compassion, concern, and understanding of this sweet nurse and relieved to have her on my team- cheering me on and lifting me up.
While the physical symptoms sometimes seem the worst challenge to handle (hopefully the new vitamins and meds will bring some relief) it is often the mental and emotional hurdles that bring me the farthest down.
I don’t want to be a survivor… Surviving is hard!
I want to be a warrior.
I want to face the challenges of the journey with bravery, not fear.
I want to have a battle plan, not rely on survival techniques.
I want to focus on healing, not on my wounds or battle scars.
And some times I don't do this so well.
Sometimes I am surviving (and it feels like barely).
Sometimes the valley still feels so deep and unending
Sometimes I forget how far we have already traveled and can only see how far we have left to go.
Your continued prayers, encouragement, and support are still greatly needed and appreciated.
Remission does not mean the end of the journey but the beginning of the next leg.
There is not set amount of time, No predictable norm on this leg of the journey
Just taking one day at a time
So with my coffee in hand, my eyes lifted up and my heart focused on JOY I face today as a Warrior and I hope you will join me.
