2 infusions and this seems to be the pattern, the week after chemo almost being a greater struggle then the week of treatment.
Treatment week comes with its own list of toughness- when the symptoms are the worst and its about managing not relief, its about getting to the next day and the next and hoping that better days are coming
But week 2 is harder... its when your mind tells you should have more energy or appetite. When you feel like you should do more and can't. When the nausea is more tolerable and you debate whether to take the meds or tough it out.
Its also when the clock begins to tick that the next infusion is just around the corner, when sleepless nights begin to plague you as you ask yourself can I do it again, am I ready
And this week 2 included beginning (and fast) loss of my hair
I would be surprised if the first question that most people ask about chemo is if they will lose their hair (it seems to be the most known side effect of the drugs)
It certainly was one of mine. And while there is no guarantee that a person will or will not lose there hair, it was a discussion that my doctor and I had starting day one.
He was clear to make no promises but also gave the facts of what to expect...
Hair loss will occur 2-3 weeks after second chemo
Hair will typically come out in chunks or large bunches
I while these things were helpful to know "before" it happened it didn't really prepare me for the reality.
Because like all things Me, I don't follow the normal pattern or expected
My hair began to fall out 5 days after my second infusion.
When your hair falls out, it hurts.... your head just hurts
Yes it comes out in chucks but also in strands, constant shedding and large masses.
And I was certainly not prepared for the sadness that would go hand in hand with each strand.
the first look in the mirror after a shower wondering if today will be the day someone notices
The pending questions of when to shave the remainder off...
Its just not something you can prepare for or think ahead about
Because losing your hair is not a out vanity or even beauty, its a bold statement that tells the world I am fighting a battle and the battle is hard
Its a reality that you can't easily ignore or pretend isn't there.
You can't escape the reminder
For me, losing my hair has been more shocking then hearing the cancer diagnosis. It has created a greater challenge to CHOOSE JOY each day instead of wallowing in the sadness or unfairness of my illness.
It means hugging my Sparkles a little tighter as they too cry for Momma's hair and reality of the months ahead.
And it means that through the tears and the sadness that there is joy to be seen and experienced but I have to choose to find it
So with each strand of hair lost, I have been blessed a joyful moment
- a text from a friend sharing her joyful moment of the day and asking for mine (received right at the moment when the tears are flowing and the sadness is strong)
- a farmhouse sign on clearance given by a friend from far away to add joy to another room in our home (may there be as much joy as their are Christmas trees during Christmas Palooza she said)
- flowers from an aunt and uncle to brighten the room
- extra snuggles with the sparkles
And on the really tough days,
Banana Splits- guaranteed joy :)
Your days be filled with joyful moments too
